Red Room
The Mix: Rebirth
-
Feature
-
The Mix: Rebirth - Feature -
Trigger Warning: Solen references personal experiences of abuse and trauma
Reborn
No scar is deep enough to stop us, imperfect as we are.
Crow
Aye aye here comes the dawn
chorus on sunrise prom
wild singing crow swoops past
dodging dog walkers in North Face jackets
There’s something I need
to show your patient parts
before plastic chairs and wind breakers
arrive to argue over Aldi burgers
Broken shells spill secrets
on spots reserved for laughing yacht yahs
and their macchiatos
metal detector treasure and morning
alarms beeping
You are heard
and I’ve no idea what to do by noon
I’d hate it if you were like them too.
Roll the Dice
the shoreline sighs
warm tongues in locked groove
shimmers over clear miles
stretched out in front of us
flesh shivers and bumps
brushed by sea breeze
against hips sand sings of
the dust crackle bonfire
look in your eyes
right now
and now
Sunrise
Shadow Work
These images and words are from an ongoing personal project, “Red Room”, in which I explore my autonomy, desires, grief and connections after abuse and medical trauma. They also featured in my recent NOW LOVE exhibition at Agitate in Edinburgh, alongside a series of black and white abstract nude self portraits.
I have the rare birth defect, Poland Syndrome, which affected the growth of my breasts (every shy teen girl’s nightmare). I’ve since had surgeries to “correct” the imbalance in appearance and have had a whole gamut of emotions and questions around how we judge bodies, those who’ve had cosmetic surgeries and the presumptions around our sexuality, intelligence and abilities made about small women with big boobs.
I have also recently been added to the never-ending waiting list for Autism and ADHD assessment. I spent the last 18 or so months learning about neurodivergent brains and processing all big life experiences again through this lens. Amongst those big experiences are past abusive relationships.
To create this body of work since becoming a solo parent, to explore the roles expected of mothers, regardless of how we’ve been treated and to work through finding my creative voice after many experiences of gaslighting and emotional abuse has been the most cathartic experience. We aren’t encouraged as adults to explore creative play as a healthy coping tool. We lean into unhealthier habits, tend to numb out the difficult, which invariably means numbing out the sheer joyful too. We aren’t meant to live in our wounds.
You can read about my experiences of Poland Syndrome, calling out abuse and giving alcohol, amongst many other rants on my blog, Lost & Found on solencollet.com.